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The below is a parody of Fantine, the fist part of Les Miserables.

From Condensed Novels, by Bret Harte (1836-1902)




As long as there shall exist three paradoxes, a moral Frenchman, a
religious Atheist, and a believing sceptic; so long, in fact, as
booksellers shall wait--say twenty-five years--for a new gospel; so
long as paper shall remain cheap and ink three sous a bottle, I
have no hesitation in saying that such books as these are not
utterly profitless.



To be good is to be queer. What is a good man? Bishop Myriel.

My friend, you will possibly object to this. You will say you know
what a good man is. Perhaps you will say your clergyman is a good
man, for instance.

Bah! you are mistaken; you are an Englishman, and an Englishman is
a beast.

Englishmen think they are moral when they are only serious. These
Englishmen also wear ill-shaped hats, and dress horribly!

Bah! they are canaille.

Still, Bishop Myriel was a good man,--quite as good as you. Better
than you, in fact.

One day M. Myriel was in Paris. This angel used to walk about the
streets like any other man. He was not proud, though fine-looking.
Well, three gamins de Paris called him bad names. Says one:--

"Ah, mon Dieu! there goes a priest; look out for your eggs and

What did this good man do? He called to them kindly.

"My children," said he, "this is clearly not your fault. I
recognize in this insult and irreverence only the fault of your
immediate progenitors. Let us pray for your immediate

They knelt down and prayed for their immediate progenitors.

The effect was touching.

The Bishop looked calmly around.

"On reflection," said he, gravely, "I was mistaken; this is clearly
the fault of Society. Let us pray for Society."

They knelt down and prayed for Society.

The effect was sublimer yet. What do you think of that? You, I

Everybody remembers the story of the Bishop and Mother Nez
Retrousse. Old Mother Nez Retrouse sold asparagus. She was poor;
there's a great deal of meaning in that word, my friend. Some
people say "poor but honest." I say, Bah!

Bishop Myriel bought six bunches of asparagus. This good man had
one charming failing; he was fond of asparagus. He gave her a
franc and received three sous change.

The sous were bad,--counterfeit. What did this good Bishop do? He
said: "I should not have taken change from a poor woman."

Then afterwards, to his housekeeper: "Never take change from a poor

Then he added to himself: "For the sous will probably be bad."


When a man commits a crime, society claps him in prison. A prison
is one of the worst hotels imaginable. The people there are low
and vulgar. The butter is bad, the coffee is green. Ah, it is

In prison, as in a bad hotel, a man soon loses, not only his
morals, but what is much worse to a Frenchman, his sense of
refinement and delicacy.

Jean Valjean came from prison with confused notions of society. He
forgot the modern peculiarities of hospitality. So he walked off
with the Bishop's candlesticks.

Let us consider: candlesticks were stolen; that was evident.
Society put Jean Valjean in prison; that was evident, too. In
prison, Society took away his refinement; that is evident,

Who is Society?

You and I are Society.

My friend, you and I stole those candlesticks!


The Bishop thought so, too. He meditated profoundly for six days.
On the morning of the seventh he went to the Prefecture of Police.

He said: "Monsieur, have me arrested. I have stolen candlesticks."

The official was governed by the law of Society, and refused.

What did this Bishop do?

He had a charming ball and chain made, affixed to his leg, and wore
it the rest of his life.

This is a fact!


Love is a mystery.

A little friend of mine down in the country, at Auvergne, said to
me one day: "Victor, Love is the world,--it contains everything."

She was only sixteen, this sharp-witted little girl, and a
beautiful blonde. She thought everything of me.

Fantine was one of those women who do wrong in the most virtuous
and touching manner. This is a peculiarity of French grisettes.

You are an Englishman, and you don't understand. Learn, my friend,
learn. Come to Paris and improve your morals.

Fantine was the soul of modesty. She always wore high-neck
dresses. High-neck dresses are a sign of modesty.

Fantine loved Tholmoyes. Why? My God! What are you to do? It
was the fault of her parents, and she hadn't any. How shall you
teach her? You must teach the parent if you wish to educate the
child. How would you become virtuous?

Teach your grandmother!


When Tholmoyes ran away from Fantine,--which was done in a
charming, gentlemanly manner,--Fantine became convinced that a
rigid sense of propriety might look upon her conduct as immoral.
She was a creature of sensitiveness,--and her eyes were opened.

She was virtuous still, and resolved to break off the liaison at

So she put up her wardrobe and baby in a bundle. Child as she was,
she loved them both. Then left Paris.


Fantine's native place had changed.

M. Madeline--an angel, and inventor of jet work--had been teaching
the villagers how to make spurious jet.

This is a progressive age. Those Americans,--children of the
West,--they make nutmegs out of wood.

I, myself, have seen hams made of pine, in the wigwams of those
children of the forest.

But civilization has acquired deception too. Society is made up of
deception. Even the best French society.

Still there was one sincere episode.


The French Revolution!


M. Madeline was, if anything, better than Myriel.

M. Myriel was a saint. M. Madeline a good man.

M. Myriel was dead. M. Madeline was living.

That made all the difference.

M. Madeline made virtue profitable. I have seen it written:--

"Be virtuous and you will be happy."

Where did I see this written? In the modern Bible? No. In the
Koran? No. In Rousseau? No. Diderot? No. Where then?

In a copy-book.


M. Madeline was M. le Maire.

This is how it came about.

For a long time he refused the honor. One day an old woman,
standing on the steps, said:--

"Bah, a good mayor is a good thing.

"You are a good thing.

"Be a good mayor."

This woman was a rhetorician. She understood inductive


When this good M. Madeline, whom the reader will perceive must have
been a former convict, and a very bad man, gave himself up to
justice as the real Jean Valjean, about this same time, Fantine was
turned away from the manufactory, and met with a number of losses
from society. Society attacked her, and this is what she lost:--

First her lover.

Then her child.

Then her place.

Then her hair.

Then her teeth.

Then her liberty.

Then her life.

What do you think of society after that? I tell you the present
social system is a humbug.


This is necessarily the end of Fantine. There are other things
that will be stated in other volumes to follow. Don't be alarmed;
there are plenty of miserable people left.

Au revoir--my friend.